It's so hard to sit here and believe that my dear Blogstream is on it's way out. I know I haven't been posting that much here for a while but I'm still here and still fighting for my life. I wish Blogstream could hang in there like I have. I am determined to not give up. Sometimes my life seems so useless and so damn crappy. I feel like most of my life revolves around trying to get someone to help me do something for myself. Things that I used to take for granted like we all do until the ability to do those things is gone for us. Like when you are hungry, you go get something to eat, or when you need a shower or a bath, well you get up and go take one. You need something in the other room, you walk in there and get it. Well, as most of you know for the last two and a half years, these are a few of the simple little things I can not do for myself anymore. Hell, I can't even go to the bathroom by myself now. Gotta ask for help. I feel like all I ever do is ask for food, drink, and for help to use a bed pan or to clean a colostomy bag. And what do I do in between all this? Play games on Pogo and Facebook and watch TV. What a life!!! right. And then I hear Blogstream is going and then it's two of my favorite Soap Operas too that are soon to end!!! Life as I knew it is about to take some more drastic changes.
RIP Blogstream, you will be missed by so very many but you shall never be forgotten!

Yep, thats right, I'm still alive and kicking. Back in Aug. I had to go to the ER, and ended up staying for about three weeks. I had a strepp infection in my leg and then I busted a big blood vessel in it too. This was by far the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. My thigh was swollen about 5 times bigger than ever, and felt like there was a huge hive of yellow jackets with thousands of bees in it inside my thigh and all them bees were some angry and stinging bees! They seemed to just sting and sting and all I wanted to do was get away from them. But how the heck do ya do that when they are inside of your leg and it ain't bees, it's an infection! Believe me, it was a living hell! I don't ever want to go through that again. I had to have surgery to allow the hematoma that had formed due to the busted blood vessel to drain. I lost so much blood, I had to have blood transfusions, ended up taking 8 pints! I feel like I done got an oil change, got all brand new blood in me. Good thing I got an easy to find blood type, O+. Nothing weird there, thank God and Goddess!
I'm home now, but still having to deal with the leg. It's healing but it's real slow. I'm getting stronger too. At the first of this, I couldn't even move that leg, now I can lift it and move it almost as good as the other one.
I just wish it would hurry up and heal up. I just want to forget all this happened and think of it as a bad nightmare! I know, I know, I gotta be patient. But dang it, I'm not a good patient, and I'm getting so tired of all this crap, doctors, nurses, pain, restrictions on mobility, all of it! I need to be free, I want my life back. This is a wonderful and beautiful home but I just want to take a break, go out somewhere, take a little vacation, go to the beach or out to dinner or to a movie or a concert or something, anything other than take a trip to the doctor's office or to the ER.
The only way that any of that can happen is if I can make it happen. I have to be strong and tough and I have to keep working on getting better, everyday. Like my nurse said today, I need to take it one day at a time, that's all any of us can do and it is the only way. I won't give up, I'll try my best to stay strong and stay on my path, one day at a time.
Blessed be to all who may come to my little blog to check on me. Thank you all for thinking of me and remembering me in your prayers and daily thoughts. I am truly blessed to have you all in my life.

i forgot to tell you, my so-called doctors lied to me about my illness. they told me i had scar tissue in my wind pipe that would grow and eventually cover my wind pipe and cause me to suffocate to death. Wrong! my pulminologist told me that's not true, there is no scar tissue in there, never was and there was never any reason for there to be any there! Fucking liers had me believing i was going to die soon, what a crock of shit. i do still have a very bad situation, my wind pipe muscles are not strong enough to stay open so i can breathe, so that's why i have to have the trach tube, to keep it open. hey, guess what, even that doesn't always work. it's closed shut on me twice in the last month. the first time, my son Shawn saved me and the second time, Sherry my care giver saved me. Thank God and Goddess for Angels. Blessed be.

Moonsilver is in da house! I know it has been a long time since my last post and a lot of things have happened in that time. I have almost died more than nine times. My own son had to revive me the other day, scarey shit. But I'm not in the hospital and thankfully, i'm not in a nursing home either. Fuck a damn nursing home, unless you got a lot of money, a nursing home will almost suredly kill you, the two i had to go to almost killed me more than once! But now i live in a beautiful home with a wonderful care giver, who is an Angel on Earth. i don't know if i will ever get to go back to my home in the country again and this makes me very, very sad. i miss my home, my pets, my life. my family does their best to make me happy and compfortable and at least my little Cesar gets to stay here with me all the time. But the reality of the situation is i can not stand, walk or talk out loud. About the only sound i can make is a raspberry sound which the kids find extremely funny and some people just don't understand.
But anyway, i am still fighting for my life and will continue to do so, i'm not giving up! i've made it this long, i will survive!
just a small note about the strangness of my post, my keyboard on my laptop is not working quite right,space bar either doesn't work at all or works too well, the c key is the same way, and the left shift key is a no go allthe time now. i may have to break downand try to get something done about it soon. i am hoping a good cleaning will do the trick, it is rather dirty, lol

Brian and Sherry came to visit me tonight. Brian also brought Cesar to see me. I miss him so much. I miss all my pets, my family, my home, my life. Cherish your way of life, your family for you never know when it may be taken from you forever. In mere seconds your entire life can change, everything you once knew is lost and you may not ever get it back, no matter what you try to do.