AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years,
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or
Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be aerodynamic.
I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's
a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a me nstrual period, Mr.Thatcher? Ever suffered from
"the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently
surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and
I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly
with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As brand manager in the
feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on
what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo.
Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we
endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control
behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact,
only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told
her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The
point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling
with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. This brings me to the reason for my
letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I
w anted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always
maxi pad , and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
"Have a Happy Period."
Are you f...ing kidding me?!
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a
menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of
sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which
you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kailua and lock yourself in your
house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with
a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something
that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular
Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullsh**. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always! !