I wrote this one on Feb. 13, 1987. It about a very dark time in my life when I almost lost my Mom to lung cancer. She’s in the hospital right now, but not for the cancer. She fell the other day and sprained her ankle and her knee. The ER Doctor gave her 15 lortabs to take for the pain. She was only supposed to take no more than 4 to 6 a day. In the first 24 hours she took 12 of them. We got all scared and called an ambulance for her. They said she was ok, she didn’t od on them but I don’t know, I think it was pretty much an accidental over dose no matter what they say. Now she says they won’t let her come home until she can stand up on her own. They keep telling me there is really nothing wrong with her, it seems it’s all in her head. I don’t know but I do know that when she does come home, things are going to be different around here whether she likes it or not. No more self medicating, and she must eat something with nutritional value in it every day and at least three times a day, a balanced diet. I think she is anorexic. She says she is fat and when we try to get her to eat something, she says we are trying to make her get fat. She’s really not fat and no one here is trying to make her get fat either. And I tried once before to monitor her medications but she screamed at me and said I wasn’t doing it right. All I did was what the bottles said to do. I got mad and gave them back to her. But this time, I don’t care how much she screams and yells about them, she’s getting them the way the Doctor prescribes them, no more, no less. Anyway here is the essay I wrote about her.
So far, I’ve managed to write all my previous papers with a rather up beat and positive tone. This paper, however, may not sound quite so up beat or positive. I guess no one’s life is perfect.
I love my Mom very much. Maybe she is not the perfect Mom; she’s had lots of problems and illnesses in her life, but she is my Mom and I wouldn’t trade her for any other Mom in the world. I never thought much about being close to her, about telling her my inner most fears or maybe even what makes me happy. I guess I thought she probably wouldn’t understand me and maybe she wouldn’t have, I don’t really know. Even so, I always knew she was there for me, ready to help me out anyway she could. At Christmas time or for my birthday, Mom was the one who could always pick out the greatest gifts for me. No matter how much or how small the price, these gifts were always perfect. Some how, she knew me so well that she always knew just what I’d like best and she still does too. She is absolutely uncanny in her talents for this.
Well, about six months ago, the doctors told my Mom she had lung cancer. When she first told me about it, I think I just went into shock. I didn’t say too much, probably because I didn’t want to think about Mom being sick and maybe even dying with this thing. My mind tried to block it out and I even avoided my Mom for awhile. Very soon, this “thing” became all too unavoidable.
At first, the doctors didn’t give us much hope. They said there was a large possibility that the cancer was un-treatable with medicines and was probably also inoperable. I cried for days and everytime I cried, I prayed, “Please God, don’t take my Momma away, not yet. I’m not ready.” I felt like a little girl and not very much like a grown woman and a Mother myself. I guess we all had a hard time handling all the pressure. Sometimes it felt like the whole world was closing in around me, close to crumbling down and just falling apart.
Then one sleepless night, (one of many) I was crying and praying, when a calm peacefulness came over me as I realized that no matter how much I prayed, this was God’s will and what ever he had in mind would be for the best. And so, I put all my worries in God’s hands and I kept the faith.
As the days and weeks went crawling by, the doctors took x-rays and ran this test or that test. Finally, the doctors decided they could operate afterall. As it turned out, they ended up taking out part of her right lung and they said they felt sure they had gotten out all the cancer. What a relief, Mom was going to be alright.
Through all this, my Mom and I grew closer and closer. One time, before her surgery, I hugged her and kissed her and told her I loved her; I broke down and cried on her shoulder and I told her how scared I was of losing her and then I listened to how very scared she was and to how much she loved me. After her surgery, I took care of her, cooked for her and my Dad, cleaned for them and every night I gave her back rubs. Before I left to go back to my own home, I would always hug her and kiss her good night, something I hadn’t done since I was a child.
I was so happy. I thought, it won’t be long now and our lives will be back to normal. No more crying all night, no more pain and suffering, no more sense of impending loss. We all felt so blessed.
Suddenly, my Mom is standing in front of me with tears in her eyes. She is telling me that she just feels so depressed, all she feels like doing is crying. When I ask why, she doesn’t know why. She can’t keep much of her food down when she eats and she just hurts all the time. These are things I can see happening and I understand that they contribute to her depression, but she doesn’t really open up and tell me much of what’s bothering her. She won’t talk to Dad either; she usually just snaps at all of us. She seems angered by most everything we say or do. She sleeps a lot and says she doesn’t care about anything anymore. A couple of weeks ago, she even said she didn’t care if she lived or died. That hurt, it sent a shiver of cold right into my heart.
I feel like I’m losing her all over again and I don’t know what to do about it. What do I do, what can I say? Everytime I think of something, it just seems so useless. I don’t know what to say or do to make her feel better, so I just keep telling her how much I love her. I keep trying to be cheerful around her and many times I bite my tongue to keep from snapping back when she is irritated about something. The only thing I know to do right now is to remain loving and loyal and to keep the faith and be patient. Things take time.
Well, time did pass and things did get better for us all. I knew it for sure when she came home one day and told Dad she had bought him a new chair for the living room. A nice new recliner. I just looked at Dad, cracked a big grin and said don’t say a word, she’s back. Dad just smiled back at me and never said a word against that old chair.
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