OK, it seems that I must have some issue that I must address. The question is exactly what is this issue? I feel like there must be something I'm doing that just isn't quite right. I just can't quite figure it out. For the past couple of days I seem to be crying alot and getting my feelings hurt more than usual. There just seems to be some kind of tension or something going on around here at home. It started like last Friday night, early Saturday morning. Shawn was asleep and I was in the living room playing on my computer. Everything was cool and quiet. Then Shawn gets up and I asked him if he would fix me a drink and then I kinda joked about how I was just waiting for him to get up for it and next thing I know he is screaming at me and cussing me for being lazy and being a bitch and not letting him go take a shit or anything for himself before I am asking him to do something for me and how lazy I am for waiting on him to get me a fucking drink! Well, as you know, I can't walk very far and I don't walk even one step without a lot of pain! So anyway, that really hurt my feelings, it hurt me to my soul. I cried. And I got mad but I really didn't say much. I let him rant and rave. Then later when he had calmed down, I told him I think he should appoligize to me for what he had said. He did and I accept that. He's just a kid and he has been given some bad cards in life but it's not fair to take it out on me even though part of the bad cards are either my fault or have something to do with me, right?
Brian had gone out with some friends for the evening on Friday night. It was just too cold for me and I really don't get into going out to bars to watch people get drunk too much. I don't drink too much myself. It has never really appealed to me to drink alcohol much, don't get me wrong, I have definitely did my fair share of the consumption of the spirits. And from time to time I still do indulge, it's just not my favorite way to relax so to speak. Well, when Brian got in, I was just getting ready to go to bed. I asked him to bring me a drink before I went to sleep, I know, I know, bad time for a soda, but I was thirsty and all I wanted was a soda pop, not water this time. Most of the time I ask for ice water to keep by my bed. I have this little thermos with a neat top on it with a nice little straw in it and it will keep ice in it for more than 12 hours. It is awesome. I got it at a Target somewhere between here and Wisconsin, can't remember where it was right now. But anyway, When Brian came back with my drink he started in on me about how I was getting the last drink and how I must have planned it that way, so tomorrow when he got up all hung over and all, there would be nothing for him to drink but water. It was just me punishing him for going out and drinking a few beers without me, right? Whatever! I'm glad he went out some, I love him and I want him to have fun and do what he wants to do, just like I want to do the things I want to do. Feels to me like he wants me to be jealous of him so he can get mad at me and he can pick a fight with me. I really don't want to fight with anyone. I don't know if it's me or it's more them, it feels like all they want to do is pick fights with me. Shawn has hurt my feelings several times since that really bad blow up. And Brian has picked a couple of small fights too. In fact, right in the middle of me writing that last post, Brian came in and picked a fight with me. Made me cry again.
Maybe it's not my issue at all. Maybe they just need a break from me too. I wish I could get better and not have to depend on them for so much of my daily needs. It's just really hard when both of my wonderful loving family members have to care for me so totally and they both need a break at the same time. When I put myself in their shoes, I would be pretty sick of it all too. I don't know what's wrong with me or if I will ever get better and I need help doing almost everything. I'm supposed to be the one who does most of the cooking and cleaning and I can't do any of it. My kitchen is a fucking trailor kitchen for fuck's sake. It just ain't working for me. It's too small and I can't stand to try to wash dishes, causes so much pain and is so exhausting to me. I don't know what I am going to do. I wish I could remodel my kitchen and bathroom to make it safe and easy to use for me.
Ok, a little more honesty here, I am starting to cry again and feeling so useless. Poor pitiful me. right.
What am I doing wrong now? I will try to be nicer to people and more considerate. I am always just an inconvience anyway. Everybody is doing their own thing and that's the way it is. So when I ask, it's always at the wrong time and of course they act as if I asked them to stop and drop everything they are doing and do as I asked right this minute! I didn't know I was doing that. Well I'm sorry if I did act like that. I didn't mean to. Hey at least I am thinking about it and trying to learn something from it all, I think. I wish I could do better and get well and get up and do things for myself. I wish they knew just how much I wish I didn't have to ask for them to help me do anything ever again! They are making me hate to have to ask for help. Somebody left the overhead light on and of course I can't reach it and it is blinding me. Oh now I see why, my bad, Shawn left it on so he can see to vaccum the carpets. Hey he signed a contract to do that and a few other things for $20.
I got a Doctor's appointment tomorrow to get my meds presribed again. I have to do that like every other month. I'm tired of taking pills, tired of hurting, tired of taking pills and still hurting too. I can't help thinking that my life would be almost perfect if it weren't for the way my body makes me feel and they way it doesn't work right and for how difficult it is for me to just do the everyday day to day stuff like getting a shower and clean clothes and fixing a meal or washing the dishes or just going to the bathroom.
Fuck it! I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Shawn put a lid from an old Cocacola cooler that had belonged to my other son, Aaron on the closet door and he asked me what I thought about it. I said it's ok leave it there, I don't give a fuck. I went back to my writing and heard him say something about what I had said being hateful or something. So I asked him was it what I said or the way I said it. He said both and then he said it was how I said it. I didn't say it mean or anything, just kinda like oh well, I don't care, you can keep it there if you want, I really don't care, it's all good to me. Do what you want to with it, not hateful or mean or with any kind of anger. At least I didn't mean to come off sounding like that. It really just wasn't that big of a deal to me. Whatever. Whenever either of them is busy doing what they want to do, God forbid I or anyone else for that matter, interupt them but no matter what I am doing it's fine and dandy, a-ok to interupt me and make me do something for them. They both love to come into the living room and stand in front of me and start talking to me. Doesn't matter if I am on the phone, on the computer doing something, watching a TV show, sleeping, whatever, I am supposed to stop everything and take notice that either Brian or Shawn has something they think is so important that the world should stop spinning until they can get it off their chests They also like to come in and take the remote control to the TV and change the channel to something they want to watch. Which most of the time I don't mind but then sometimes they don't even watch it, they get up and go in the other room or something. Shawn is real good for that one. I think I'm going to go on a silent protest They say I'm saying mean shit, maybe I am, maybe I'm not, maybe I will just quit talking altogether, how about that?

Well,since my last post a lot of things have happened. Brian and I went to the Saturday night DSO show. We had a blast. When we got there, we went right down the ramp to the dance floor. Hardly anyone was down there, so I decided to have a little fun and "dance" with Brian with my scooter. I ran circles around him and I did figure 8's and he danced with me and everyone there watched and they loved it and we loved it too. Then the band, Boombox came on and there was this girl that came out on stilts and did a dance on them. She was so awesome. I was taking a little video with my camera and she saw me so she just stood there in front of me and danced just for my camera. Then when she was done, she went back stage and changed into another outfit. Then she came out and danced with a hoola hoop that was lit up and flashing. She was very good and looked so beautiful. We loved watching her. Then DSO came on and Brian and I were right up front in the middle of the stage! The venue is very small and personal. We had a great time. Of course it would have been perfect except that my back and my legs hurt me so bad. I just tried to ignore it as best as I could. I still had fun.
The hotel internet connection was awesome. I really hate dial up now for sure. Wish I could get a wireless connection all the time or at least broadband or something better than stupid dial up. Oh well, at least I have dial up, it is better than nothing.
We were too tired and hung over to come home on Sunday, so we stayed another day and left and came home on Monday. I missed my doctor's appointment, had to reschedule it. On the way home we stopped at a Chinese restaurant and had dinner. I had shrimp fried rice and Brian had shrimp lo mein. It was really good too, considering the place looked like a fast food place.
Valentine's day, we did nothing. Too tired and too much pain to hardly move. We decided to celebrate a day late. figured all the restaurants would be packed and we like to go when no one is there. So Wed. we went to an Asian Grill in Lynchburg, VA. It's a buffet and it is one of my favorite places to eat at in this area. Afterwards, we met my Mom and Chris and Ashlyn at River Ridge Mall to see a movie. We saw "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe". It was a wonderful movie. I think we all enjoyed it a lot. I really don't get why people want to say it has something to do with christianity. I saw lots of pagan references, centuars and unicorns and magic. But why did the witch have to be so bitchy. Such stereo typeing. She's a witch so she has to be bad and evil, right? I think she was just an evil ole'bitchy Queen, spoiled rotten and power hungry.
Anyway, since then I've been paying for it all dearly. My legs have been hurting really bad. Thursday was a very warm day so I got into the hottub. I love getting in it but when the outside air is too cold I can't get in. Takes me too long to get in the house to warm up. Cold just isn't a good thing for me. The weather has gotten colder this weekend and that makes me hurt even more. It's supposed to snow sometime today. I'm staying in and staying warm.
Sherri and Joey came by with the kids for a nice visit. We took some pictures. They have a new puppy too and he is so cute. Looks like he may be a good sized dog when he grows up, got big paws and floppy ears.
So, I've been reading blogs and email and trying to get caught up on things. Seems like a lot of things have been going on here on the stream. I just don't get it, can't we all just get along? Let's play nice now. Let's all go over to Puppy's and play with the babies. They are so cute and so tiny. I'm so glad that Peanut is doing so much better.
Oh well, I'm also catching up on my soaps too. Gotta go! Bye bye!

Well, I am not at home right now. B got us tickets to see Dark Star Orchestra (DSO) for last night and tonight in Raliegh N.C. So I'm here in a hotel in Raliegh today. Got to bring my laptop for the first time out on the road. It's got a wireless card and it rules. I have never used it this way before since I have no wireless connection available at my home and must use only dial up, which kinda sucks. But hey, like I always say it's better than nothing, right?
The show last night was awesome. They play whole Grateful Dead shows and they do it very well too. They played Sugar Ree, Friend of the Devil, Johnny be Good, Not Fade Away, and they ended the night with Shakedown ST. The show they were playing was from 1976, so they played a lot of older hits. Some of them I didn't know the names of. The show was in the Lincoln Theater in Raliegh. It's a small venue, but very nice. They had a ramp down to the dance floor and I went down there. I couldn't really see too much of the band cause I am on my scooter but I still had a blast. Everyone there was very nice to me. We are going back tonight. Looking forward to another great show!
On the way down here yesterday, B got me to call the xm channel, Squizz to vote on a song and guess what? They put me on the air! So I am fast becoming a radio personality! Schree, sorry I didn't call in on Monday. I was so tired and wore out and I certainly don't want to make a bore out of myself to you guys. Just tell me if I bore you or you guys are tired of me calling. I don't want to hog all your time on air, gotta let others have a turn too, right? If I am not too tired on Monday night, I will try to call in and we can have some fun.
It's raining here. I think it is snowing back home and they are calling for some snow here too for later on tonight. I hope we don't get caught in it. I hate driving in bad weather.
I wore all my penis mardi-grau beads last night and now they call me the penis lady! The kids loved it. My friend, Jacky came by yesterday before we left and gave me another one. This one looks like a purple pacifier and it lights up too. They made a lot of people laugh their asses off, that's for sure!
I woke up at like 9 am feeling like crap, everything hurt me so bad. My back, legs, arms, everything except my head, thank goodness. Took some of my meds and now I feel a little better. Still hurts but not like it was. Damn hotel beds, I got a $6,000 bed at home, I don't get many back aches at home. I miss my bed already. I'm gonna take a nap and rest my butt some, this damn seat on my scooter is not very comfortable. I will try to write more later.

Hi, everybody. I know I haven't been writing much lately. I'll try to do better. I got to see my new grandbaby for the first time the other day. She looks just like her Daddy and her older brother! She is so cute. She pooped as I was holding her. Sherri said she does that a lot. hehe. She is so tiny. She was dressed in pink from head to toe. I had a nice visit with them.
It was a very good day. I went to my Mom's and had a nice little visit with her and then I did something I haven't done in years. I went down into the basement! Chris and Ashlyn live there. They take care of my mom for me and have been there for the past 3 years. They are such good kids. They are 21 years old and very much in love and they take care of me and my mom so well they are like angels on Earth. That's the first time since they moved in that I have had a chance to visit with them. It was very nice and I had a nice time at their place. I think I'd like to do that more often. It was fun.
Well, I hope everyone in the stream is having a great day!

Yep, I'm still here, ya'll. I ain't gone no where. I've just been feeling kinda under the weather a bit. I've been sleeping a lot and my eyes are killing me. I think too much computing and TV is making things worse too.
So, it's Friday, right. Time for Friday's 5 fun facts from me too. So here goes:
1.I have a big fire circle in my backyard. Comes in handy when we have parties with our friends and for those rituals we like to have from time to time.
2.I have tivo and I tape all the soaps on ABC and late at night, Brian and I like to watch them together.
3.In the summer, Brian and I travel around the country, going to Rock & Roll festivals and campouts. We have been to hundreds of concerts and festivals in like 28 states. VA, MD, WV, GA, FL, SC, NC, PA, NJ, NY, OH, IN, WI, MN, KS, TN, KY, MO, AZ, TX, CA, WA, OR, MA, NH, VT, CT, NV, ME
4.I love to play Mahjong and Phlynx and the Sims on my computer.
5.I gave birth to my youngest son, Shawn just before the kick off for the 1988 Superbowl Game and now that little boy is a grown man! He is now 18 years old! He's not a little kid anymore! I'm not sure if this qualifies as a fun fact or not. I miss my little man, but wait he ain't gone no where yet, big sigh. I love my kid, even if he is all grown up.